Asexuality in the furry fandom

[NovaSquirrel]

Given that this is a sfw-only adult-only furry space I thought it would be a good idea to try and connect with other people who might be here for reasons similar to me. I identify as asexual and I often feel alienated by a lot of spaces in the fandom because there is often a very strong sexual focus, and I'm not really interested in (or always comfortable with) sexual stuff, and in return I experience feeling like I'm not very interesting to other people because I prefer to take a sfw approach to things. Or sometimes people put pressure on me to engage with erotic stuff - I've had people be very surprised I wasn't interested, or tell me it was a shame I didn't want to do stuff like that, or make fun of me, and it doesn't feel good.

In my experience the sfw spaces out there are often mostly kids, to the point where it feels like I'm an awkward adult at a Chuck E. Cheese. It feels like there's not much consideration for making space for people like me? Like people talk about how the furry fandom is a safe queer space, but it feels like it mostly caters to specific portions of queerness. So I was hoping to hear about other peoples' experiences with finding community, or any tips or anything.

For my own approaches to stuff so far, every year I try to use Art Fight as a way to find and meet other furries in a mostly-sfw space, where sfw art can be something people celebrate and get excited for, and it helps a bit. I've also had some success getting friends into topics whose communities tend to lean younger, like Care Bears, and then I can have a space to talk about it with adults even if it is just a few of us. In my experience a lot of people are very willing to watch cartoons with you even if it's not something they'd specifically seek out on their own, and then you have that shared experience to talk about. And a lot of people are actually down to try sfw roleplay but somehow didn't realize that it was a thing you could do a non erotic version of? I've encountered that multiple times and it confuses me but it's something to raise awareness of I guess.

[Lilium Mortem]

Yo, I'm also ace, as well as sex repulsed.

And I get it. The pressure to get into NSFW stuff. Some of my best friends are porn artists and I feel terrible that I just can't engage with their work sometimes.

At least most communities I join have NSFW partitioned off into its own channel, or whatever. Still, in any queer community it feels like the *lack* of a sexuality is more alienating than just being straight. "You GOTTA be gay, or bi, or pan. You GOTTA have some weird kink right??? We can bond over that!"

[EdenCoven]

Hopefully you're okay with a larger ace-spectrum spot here. I can respect it if you don't want that, though. Our individual identities vary a ton but we kind of sort of broadly come out as a kind of demisexual. We also might not qualify as someone in "the furry fandom" so it's possible our experience is just totally alien from what you wanna talk about.

There's definitely a few cases where we've hung out in "furry spaces" and ultimately drifted off in whole or in part because there's a specific drive towards certain kinks or just irl pics that make us uncomfortable or we didn't want to deal with, though we've never really had anyone pressure us. We don't like the kind of attitude that like, assumes everyone wants or is into certain things though. We're in a spot where we really don't understand allosexual people very much at all but enjoy being open about things so we kind of tend to vibe with people who have similar sensibilities or are at least chill.

This is to say I don't think we have any real useful advice but do want to engage in a certain level of commiseration.

[beeps]

Just tossing my hat in as another sex repulsed asexual.

However, I'm otherwise generally sex positive and encourage people to be open about their sexuality, because I believe it to be a cultural good to normalise those things.

I also have what some might reductively call "kinks", but I don't really see them that way myself. I like transformation because it kinda plays into my changing and varied sense of self. I like latex stuff because it affirms my otherkin identity. That kinda gubbins. None of it is for sexual gratification, so I don't really like calling them fetishes.

[DarkOverord]

Yeah I'm with Eden on referring to the larger ace spectrum, because I'm Grey-Ace! Barely, 'cus most of the time I probably can just be filed under Asexual by itself haha

I understand where you're coming from, while I'm not sex-repulsed (I do adult art as well) I absolutely do sometimes feel like an odd one out for not being in to well, being allosexual! I've felt the pressure of needing to perform the sexual dance and it sucks! There def needs to be more space given in SFW spaces for people to not feel like they have to progress a specific way.

However, as someone who has been in furry for... 18? years, I will say I am glad to see both a lot of older furs learning about themselves (I didn't even realise I was grey ace until like, 2020, I thought I was just weird and broken before then 'cus I did have non-Ace urges sometimes) but also that because younger furs are more willing to be open about being ace that there is a greater acceptance now compared to 2006.

Obviously there's still work to be done, but I can say it absolutely has improved.

[NovaSquirrel]

Just tossing my hat in as another sex repulsed asexual.

However, I'm otherwise generally sex positive and encourage people to be open about their sexuality, because I believe it to be a cultural good to normalise those things.

I also have what some might reductively call "kinks", but I don't really see them that way myself. I like transformation because it kinda plays into my changing and varied sense of self. I like latex stuff because it affirms my otherkin identity. That kinda gubbins. None of it is for sexual gratification, so I don't really like calling them fetishes.

In my case I'm not repulsed, and some things can be nice in the right context and with the right people, but it's something I want to engage with on my own terms, and not something I want other people to push onto me, or something I must interact with or be around in order to interact with people. And I have also run into situations where people see something they don't understand and assume it's supposed to be erotic; I've got stuff I enjoy because I'm autistic and it seems like a nice sensory experience (like an interest in rubber and other synthetic characters - see the toy thread I made) and I have had to clarify that it's not sexual in nature multiple times.

However, as someone who has been in furry for... 18? years, I will say I am glad to see both a lot of older furs learning about themselves (I didn't even realise I was grey ace until like, 2020, I thought I was just weird and broken before then 'cus I did have non-Ace urges sometimes) but also that because younger furs are more willing to be open about being ace that there is a greater acceptance now compared to 2006.

Obviously there's still work to be done, but I can say it absolutely has improved.

I really wish there were more awareness for asexuality when I was younger; I took a long time to even realize that that was an option, and because I didn't really understand what attraction felt like (because I didn't experience it) I just tried to fit myself into the boxes that I did know about, using incorrect information. I suppose I have seen more people being open about it over time, but it's hard to tell if that's a bigger shift or a change in that kind of places I spend time in.

[ElTipejoLoco]

Demi-ace former furry here. I don't think I'm sex repulsed, but I certainly find it much harder to show as much amusement about innuendo and double-entrendré based humor as I feel my peers do- not because the jokes go over my head, but because I'm just not as tickled by them.

I feel there's a healthy mix of non-titillating furry art out now in comparison to a decade and a half ago from my perspective, but that might just be that that's how long I've not predominantly labeled myself or created art for that group and algorithms adjusted accordingly to my browsing experience since?

[Mixi Blacksand]

I really wish there were more awareness for asexuality when I was younger; I took a long time to even realize that that was an option, and because I didn't really understand what attraction felt like (because I didn't experience it) I just tried to fit myself into the boxes that I did know about, using incorrect information. I suppose I have seen more people being open about it over time, but it's hard to tell if that's a bigger shift or a change in that kind of places I spend time in.

This I feel incredibly hard. Out in the real world I am aromantic-asexual, and it wasn't until my 20s I learned that's a thing other people are and you're allowed to just be. I can't speak directly to the thread topic because the furry space is the place I feel comfortable NOT being ace, but I'm really glad younger people are finding out it's OK if you just aren't into the whole ordeal.

[Beancatte]

I've very recently come to terms with being ace. Im extremely kinky but i think anything related to IRL sex and a lot of the human body just... makes me mentally very upset.

[SnowyTasha]

I've known about asexuality for a long time, through the stupidest way imaginable, but I didn't accept my own until I surrounded myself with other aces. Me and my closest two friends (excluding my boyfriend) are all ace.

Sex and me have a... weird relationship, to say the least. Nominally, I am sex-indifferent and think "okay but why should we have sex when we could just play Mario Kart instead", but I have a history of sex repulsion and sometimes I swing back towards this repulsion. I don't know how to describe this, so I just use "asexual" since it's easier. If anyone could help me figure out what describes this I'd appreciate that.

[DarkOverord]

I've known about asexuality for a long time, through the stupidest way imaginable, but I didn't accept my own until I surrounded myself with other aces. Me and my closest two friends (excluding my boyfriend) are all ace.

Sex and me have a... weird relationship, to say the least. Nominally, I am sex-indifferent and think "okay but why should we have sex when we could just play Mario Kart instead", but I have a history of sex repulsion and sometimes I swing back towards this repulsion. I don't know how to describe this, so I just use "asexual" since it's easier. If anyone could help me figure out what describes this I'd appreciate that.

I'd honestly say that if you're generally indifferent and occasionally swing back to repulsed then "asexual" probably is the relevant label, and not one of the terms that slide in under the umbrella.

I know a few indifferent aces! They too generally are on the "Okay sure but what about we just chill instead (literal)"

I'm sure there are some really drilled down resources that could go "exactly this" but to me you honestly are just describing my understanding of "Asexual"

[JarylGaren]

so while I might be into dudes, I'm also just not really feeling any need to have sex myself, tbh? it's not something I particularly yearn for, I guess, so that would also probably count as some flavor of asexual. I dunno, sexuality is weird.

[SnowyTasha]

I've known about asexuality for a long time, through the stupidest way imaginable, but I didn't accept my own until I surrounded myself with other aces. Me and my closest two friends (excluding my boyfriend) are all ace.

Sex and me have a... weird relationship, to say the least. Nominally, I am sex-indifferent and think "okay but why should we have sex when we could just play Mario Kart instead", but I have a history of sex repulsion and sometimes I swing back towards this repulsion. I don't know how to describe this, so I just use "asexual" since it's easier. If anyone could help me figure out what describes this I'd appreciate that.

I'd honestly say that if you're generally indifferent and occasionally swing back to repulsed then "asexual" probably is the relevant label, and not one of the terms that slide in under the umbrella.

I know a few indifferent aces! They too generally are on the "Okay sure but what about we just chill instead (literal)"

I'm sure there are some really drilled down resources that could go "exactly this" but to me you honestly are just describing my understanding of "Asexual"

This is helpful, actually.

[beeps]

so while I might be into dudes, I'm also just not really feeling any need to have sex myself, tbh? it's not something I particularly yearn for, I guess, so that would also probably count as some flavor of asexual. I dunno, sexuality is weird.

This is where the Split Attraction Model comes in handy: you can still desire romantic relationships, and still have preferences about who you form those relationships with, whilst being asexual.

In this context you'd be a homoromantic asexual.

[Ribbon]

As a whole, we're mostly on the ace spectrum. I (Tabi) am aroace, Cass is aromantic, both Finn and Reese are demisexual. It's a very odd feeling to suddenly, depending on who's fronting, desire sexual gratification but seeing as we're mostly therian as well, there's a huge disconnect when it comes to physical intimacy while stuck in a human body.

We have no issues whatsoever with drawing lewd stuff but it feels like I'm lacking in knowing what makes that sort of thing look "good" or convincing. We oftentimes draw wholesome or casual nudity and it kinda sucks that *that* is lumped in with actual pornographic art, not because we're opposed to it but it just feels like that's a huge overly-broad consideration of what's NSFW and we feel like we don't have a place for casual nude art as a result. - Tabi (ey/it)

[EdenCoven]

As a whole, we're mostly on the ace spectrum. I (Tabi) am aroace, Cass is aromantic, both Finn and Reese are demisexual. It's a very odd feeling to suddenly, depending on who's fronting, desire sexual gratification but seeing as we're mostly therian as well, there's a huge disconnect when it comes to physical intimacy while stuck in a human body.

The thing about figuring it out was it brought Trinket up to the surface for the first time and she's the only one who actually experiences real physical attraction even a little so it's always a feeling of like. "Oh THIS is why so many people are like that when there's a pretty lady." The body thing is a problem too though.

[mellows]

I think I am asexual. I'm relatively young but it feels right. Sexuality tends to go over my head. I'm indifferent to it as a result. I also have never been a part of specifically furry spaces, so I don't have experience with both SFW and NSFW furry spaces. Although I haven't been a part of many spaces to begin with.

I did have some negative experiences with presumptions before however. There are things I enjoy from an asexual perspective that tend to be dismissed as sexual innuendo. My interest in pool toys being an example I'm open about. When I first found out you can make inflatables be furries, I searched for that on Google because I just wanted to see pool toys. That led to me finding posts flaming the interest in pool toys as "fetishistic", "sexual" and "indoctrinating kids", which did genuinely feel bad at the time. I've also had a pool toy creature I made called "furry fetish crap", but that is about how far any direct presumptuous interactions go.

I'm a bit of a mess and there are other and weirder interests than pool toys that tend to be dismissed as sexual by default but I'm not sure if I'd be comfortable with those being brought up. I think aforementioned weirder interests are technically stimming for me. I suppose I've seen folks call themselves kinky asexuals enjoying said "kinks" asexually for similar reasons but calling myself that would kind of feel like an oxymoron personally.

[Lolo De Puzlo]

I'm on the ace spectrum but for a very specific thing. I consider myself demisexual specidically because I don't find myself being attracted to people based on allosexual things, I find myself attracted based on personality and that once I'm past that point, then I get more attracted based on allosexual things.

I feel a bit odd saying that I'm on the ace spectrum because I've had some bad experiences with some people being gatekeepy about considering yourself ace requiring you be Very Normal about having kinks. Of which I don't really have (or at least in the context they were talking about I don't have). A lot of my like feeling for aexual desire kind of comes as like an extreme intimacy thing kinda? Kind of like how I view romance as extreme friendship.

So I feel like where I'm in this valley where I feel allosexual feeling via asexual methods. I'm very much not sex-repulsed but also view my reasons that I'd want to engage to not be typical I guess?

[EdenCoven]

I'm on the ace spectrum but for a very specific thing. I consider myself demisexual specidically because I don't find myself being attracted to people based on allosexual things, I find myself attracted based on personality and that once I'm past that point, then I get more attracted based on allosexual things.

I feel a bit odd saying that I'm on the ace spectrum because I've had some bad experiences with some people being gatekeepy about considering yourself ace requiring you be Very Normal about having kinks. Of which I don't really have (or at least in the context they were talking about I don't have). A lot of my like feeling for aexual desire kind of comes as like an extreme intimacy thing kinda? Kind of like how I view romance as extreme friendship.

So I feel like where I'm in this valley where I feel allosexual feeling via asexual methods. I'm very much not sex-repulsed but also view my reasons that I'd want to engage to not be typical I guess?

I feel like I've seen specific microlabels for this exact thing before and while I don't care about labels this at least tells me its probably pretty typical. Not the being weird about kink things though I dunno what was up with those people that's a silly way to behave.

That said speaking personally (Viper) I have a situation I don't know how to describe very well in that I'm attracted to personality but also only have very narrow desires of how to engage with sexuality that are very kinky but also very much emotional. So I dunno how the hell anything works people are weird. -V

[Mixi Blacksand]

I've definitely run into the 'just in it for the intimacy thing' when engaging in erotic roleplay with someone I'm into, especially in VRChat. I don't do that sort of thing for a sexual release, it's just a nice way to get closer to someone I like - whereas often they're very much after that release and are sometimes confused and hurt when I let them know I'm not. It's a difficult place to be!

And yeah, saying you need to have kinks instead to be ace is a bizarre position to take. No idea what's up with those people.

[ElTipejoLoco]

It beats having to interact with the people that think asexuality is the violent aversion thereof, as if it were a phobia that triggered a fight or flight response instead. Or the "you just haven't had it right" crowd. I don't know which is worse.

I didn't argue against the demiace label someone gave me because it sounded correct and fitting for me when explained to me as Lolo's done last post, but they definitely didn't go into any "and you gotta have kinks" talk, so I'm also stumped where the heck that came from from whatever group(s) of people commented on that. Then again, for some people anything that isn't heteronormative(?) is a kink to them, so maybe that's what they mean? Like, not being attracted to a supermodel unless you know and like who they are is considered out of the norm and therefore a fetish?

Anyway, there's a reason why I try to only ever make very basic statements about sexuality (and several other things aside): Engaging people about it feels exhausting and I sure as heck would rather not think of myself as having the duty to educate someone who definitely doesn't want to learn, especially pro-bono, and double especially for a topic I'm not an expert on (and maybe nobody is because the educational system of the main nation I interact with considers the entire field taboo outside of psychology, and even then deliberately keeps the textbooks and actual field of practice outdated for various purposes, both profit-oriented and politically motivated).

[Mixi Blacksand]

It beats having to interact with the people that think asexuality is the violent aversion thereof, as if it were a phobia that triggered a fight or flight response instead.

I mean.. it can be. There have been plenty of situations I had to NOPE the fuck out of because things were happening/being shown that were gonna give me a panic attack. It's not *just* that, but it can be that.

[ElTipejoLoco]

I mean.. it can be. There have been plenty of situations I had to NOPE the fuck out of because things were happening/being shown that were gonna give me a panic attack. It's not *just* that, but it can be that.

There are people that expect it to be only that, is the issue. Or, rather, the problem is more so that they behave the way some very ignorant and very dangerous people misunderstand allergies as a matter of being picky, with all the negative and possibly criminal connotations and intentions that comes with, where they think they'll be 'nice' if they subject you to amateur exposure and shock therapy; The issue isn't whether or not someone has the aversion, but rather that the prejudice against anyone claiming it must have it (and what that said belief entitles them to say or do to 'help' or 'correct' it).

Vocabulary-wise, though, I think that means that on top of being asexual there are individuals that have a phobia or trauma related to it. I don't know the actual term(s), because, again: Not an expert, and definitely not licensed to nor interested in amateur diagnosis anyway.

[Mixi Blacksand]

Yeah, it ultimately comes down to the inadequacy of labels to truly communicate a person's experience. Assuming anyone who claims a label fits a narrow definition is going to make an ass out of you. I've been grappling with this lately in terms of claiming 'pan' or 'sapphic' for myself. My desires haven't really changed, but different labels get a different point across.

Ultimately I think the only solution is to avoid using labels and be as verbose as a situation allows - unfortunately, in a lot of cases all you can fit in is a label or two.

Mercifully I've never run into anyone who thinks asexuality is something that needs to be 'fixed' but I don't doubt they're out there.

[Cania]

as someone with a good amount of ace friends, and who recently described herself as "not ace but closer than most people", my feeling is that labels are only sorta-kinda useful. They're a starting point, more than anything.

"Sex repulsed" is a useful starting point, for example, but it means different things to different people. For some, any mention of sex can be a problem. For others, it's only when it's depicted visually. For other others, it's only when it's presented as an option to them specifically. That's all under one fairly specific umbrella!

What I've found is that doing things the other way around is way more useful, and that means: highly specific trigger/content warnings. Robust trigger warnings allow people to prepare themselves if they want to, and to choose to disengage if needed. This solves basically every problem created by the vagaries of labels, at least in terms of allowing folks to engage at their discretion with things that might be challenging to them. And I find that people often want to challenge themselves! So giving them some context allows them to do just that, while avoiding extreme discomfort or triggering experiences.

I say this as someone with essentially no boundaries when it comes to media or conversation. Trigger warnings are incredibly important for maintaining safe, useful spaces for a variety of people. And I think this can be applied to so many things. If I'm talking to someone and i feel like a subject may make them uncomfortable, I just frickin ask. It's just consent on a larger scale, right?

EDIT: I feel like Nonbinary is a great example of this too: it's a place to start describing myself, but the actual definition is very unique to me and even changes on a daily basis. Same thing.